Finding a balance.

You know all those times in life, especially as a parent, when you have to try to find that perfect balance? The balance between mom and wife. The balance between giving your spouse and kids your best self and giving yourself your best self. The balance between your job and your home life. Well, lately I've found myself constantly trying to find a balance. I feel like I'm straddling two worlds. There's that part of me who is excitedly crossing the days off of my calendar. Praying for these months to pass quickly so that we can be matched with our sweet baby and begin working to bring him home. Knowing that my baby is growing up without us, full aware that we are missing out on that first smile and that first giggle and his first bath. We won't be there for his first Christmas, or even his first birthday. It stinks to know that I'm not there when he cries out, and I'm not there to rock him to sleep, and I'm not there when he is afraid. And part of me wishes we could just fast forward to the day our little one is placed in our arms so that we can start making up for that lost time.

But then there's that other part of me. That part that knows that I have three amazing little boys here at home. Three little ones who are growing and changing every day, and if given the opportunity I would pause time and keep them this way forever. Even just a few months from now, they'll be different. Levi probably won't be saying "Thank you baby" every time he hands me something, and Beckett won't be dancing around and singing every time he uses the potty because he so proud of himself for being a big boy, and Brody won't be gearing up for soccer every week and looking at me with that huge grin when he scores. Yes, they'll be doing new things that are just as wonderful. But I don't want to wish today away. Because today is wonderful, too. I don't want to look back with regret that I was so busy looking forward, I forgot to be present.

So, that's where I am right now. Trying to enjoy every minute with my three boys, while praying that God will work this adoption out in His perfect timing. Believing with all my heart that God is using this time while we are waiting to grow us and strengthen us as a family, so that we are just the family that our new little one needs when he comes home.