It has been one whole year since my dad, the boys, Brent, and I sat outside of the little Eastern cafe waiting to catch a glimpse of a certain little boy. One year since we sat in the office filling out paperwork with trembling hands as we wondered if our son was already in the same building as us. One year since I held our youngest son in my arms. I'll never ever be able to put into words what it was like to finally touch him...hold him...smell his little baby head. I never dreamed he would hug me back, give me kisses, or engage in play with us the way he did. We had waited 617 days from the first time we saw his little face in an email. 617 days since we said YES to being his family. I never could have imagined a better first meeting with our son.
This past year has been very full. There have been hard days, there have been incredibly amazing days, and there have been in-between days. I have to say, though, that Lennox has handled the changes and loss in his life better than I ever could have. I look at his little face and think about all that he has been through in his short three years, and I know that the Lord has carried him through and has given him this unimaginable strength. We know without a doubt that he's our son, and we love him fiercely.
Not to downplay his incredible bravery, but now that we know him well, we've become aware of a few things. Yes, he's brave...yes, he's outgoing...yes, he's full of joy...yes, he's all boy...but we've also come to realize (with help from our social worker) that many times, he hides his fear and anxiety with hyperactivity and silly antics. Looking back, I can see this is most likely true for our first meetings with him and those first few months home. We have to remember that just because he mostly always seems happy and full of energy, that doesn't mean he is 100% healed from all he's been through.
It's easy for us to assume he's fully adjusted when we see how happy he is. We know full-well that he's here for good. Never has to leave. Always our son. Family. And it seems he knows these things too. But then reality will rear its ugly head, and it hits me square in the face that he still worries. It's happened on more than one occasion...he sees me packing his things in a suitcase before a family vacation, and he panics....frantically grabbing at his things and trying to put them back in drawers as he screams "No Mommmy! Home!" Or as we load the car for a trip, I have to assure him over and over again that we are ALL going and that we are ALL coming home. It breaks my heart, as no young child should have to have to worry about these things. But he remembers. He remembers being in Korea with who he thought was his family. He remembers us taking him away. He remembers losing it all.
I know that these things will continue to be less and less fearful for him, as I can clearly see how far we've already come in one short year. We get plenty of unprompted "I love you's" and hugs and kisses for days. He sleeps all night in his own bed and falls asleep on his own after we tuck him in. He does incredibly well going to Mothers Day Out once a week, after I assure him that mommy will always come back. He loves being with his grandparents, and he is attaching so well to his brothers, especially Brody.
It's been so interesting, as his language develops, how he has recently begun to tell us little things about his life in Korea. He tells us about sleeping on the floor with his Omma and his foster brother. He tells us about shopping at the markets for fruit. He talks about Appa's car (he is a taxi driver) and how it looks just like Noni's car (a white Hyandai Sonata). He even tells me he misses them sometimes. And I tell him they miss and love him too, as it's so evident in the letters we receive from her. It's so incredible to us how much he remembers, and how it seems he's finally able and comfortable enough to share it with us.
We look forward to another year home with our boys. Another year of healing and growing. Learning more about each other. And we thank God for all He has done and continues to do.
"He has made all things beautiful in its time..." Ecclesiastes 3:11
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